I Wouldn't Tease 'Em If I Didn't Love 'Em
An Interview with the creator of Castle Schlock
by Barry Hoffman

Ray Rexer checks the plumbing at The Stanley Hotel during Horrorfest '89.

Imagine waking up Christmas morning with WOLF under your tree or Mrs. Carmody in your stocking. It could very well happen. Mattel Inc. has announced the release of a full line of anatomically correct action figures based on the literary characters of Stephen King.

Rarer than THE PLANT. More sought after than THE GUNSLINGER. Mentioned in countless critical works. And available to the general reading public for the first time now! Stephen King's LAUNDRY LIST.

These rantings of a crazed lunatic make up Castle Schlock, Ray Rexer's parody of Castle Rock and tribute to Stephen King. Created by this 13-year veteran Michigan policeman in 1986 to relieve on-the-job-stress, Castle Schlock had an original readership of two. At its height of popularity the NL boasted a following of twenty, although Ray believes as many as 125 people may own one or more of the four issues published through 1988. And, you thought My Pretty Pony was a limited edition!

I caught up with Ray while on a stakeout of a nudist colony and peppered him with questions while he and his partner, Leonard Norman, conducted a strip search.

Barry Hoffman: Who does Castle Schlock appeal to?
Ray Rexer: CS seems to appeal mostly to the person who's an accomplished Kingologist, a true kindred spirit, someone with a PhD in SK. There's a lot of inside jokes in the Schlock that only such a person could understand. For example, issue number one mentions SK's new cookbook, Food Processors of the Gods, an obvious take-off on a similarly named short story by King - but only to someone who's in on King.
BH: Aren't you afraid of offending the editors of CR?
RR: CS is no more than harmless fun...no offense intended. I believe it's possible to be funny without being mean and that's all the Schlock tries to do. And, as an extra added bonus, CS is low in saturated fats and completely safe when used as directed.
BH: What are you trying to poke fun at in CS?
RR: I'm not sure CS pokes fun at anyone specifically. Everyone's fair game in parody, with the emphasis on fair. No hitting below the belt, no eye-gouges, just a good clean fight. I suppose if someone wanted to read between the lines in CS they might come to the conclusion that I was poking fun at the whole Stephen King phenomenon - from mass adulation to limited editions.
BH: Would readers of CR appreciated CS?
RR: No question about it. After all, we're only an initial apart. I don't think anyone would be offended - I would hope not.
BH: Do you ever consider (possibly in a nightmare) what would happen if you were put in a room with faithful readers of CR (those that send letters to the editor)?
RR: I firmly believe that some people who write letters to CR not all of them, mind you, just some - do so under doctor's orders. Good therapy, you know. I'm guessin' that a lot of the letters CR receives are done in crayons.
BH: Do you consider yourself a Stephen King fanatic?
RR: I consider myself to be a King fan, not a fanatic. A fan would read SK's laundry list; a fanatic would buy it.
BH: Have you really read Stephen King's books or do you get your information soley from CR?
RR: (Mortified at the suggestion.) Sure, I've read his books...and reread them. But I envy the person who hasn't, and I'll tell you why. Think of all the great books they've got to look forward to. Lucky swines!
BH: Is there anything by King you haven't enjoyed?
RR: (Genuinely hurt at the thought.) The quality of King's writing is so consistently good that it's almost painful. King at his worst is better than most authors at their best. I can honestly say there's nothing of his I haven't enjoyed at least to a certain degree - and there's nothing that ain't been worth the price of admission. Jeez, maybe I am a King fanatic.
BH: What do you really think of CR?
RR: I love Castle Rock. I think they perform a great service for us serious fans and I hope they continue to do so for some time. I like their short story contest and hope they continue to run reader-produced fiction after the contest ends.
BH: Do you have any opinion of the "new" CR under Chris Spruce? Notice any changes?
RR: I'm not sure. I guess maybe Chris is trying to "Spruce" things up a bit. (Sorry.)
BH: What are your greatest fears (ones SK can exploit in his next book to exact revenge on you)?
RR: I'm afraid that a terrorist will invent some kind of neutron book-bomb that leaves libraries standing, but
disintegrates the books inside. I'm afraid that I'll wake up one morning and find my kids have grown up and left home. I'm afraid that I'll wake up and find they haven't. I'm afraid of deep holes, sandboxes and Dutch Elm disease. I'm afraid of liver spots, bread mold and women with birthmarks. I'm afraid this interview will never end.

BH: Can you read King at night. Put another way, does the man's work scare your socks off?
RR: I can read King anytime (Ray says with bogus bravado). What scares me most about King is that someday he'll decide he's had enough and just quit the business: Now that's scary!
BH: Why did CS fold after the 1988 issue?
RR: I heard Castle Rock was ending. I felt guilty. I guess I thought CS was somewhat responsible for CR's demise - Castle Schlock's circulation had increased tenfold. That's right. Twenty people were now regular readers. It was never my intention to run CR out of business and so for the good of the SK reading public, I decided to put the Schlock to bed and give Castle Rock another chance at life.
BH: Any plans to resurrect it?
RR: I am planning a revival of sorts for the Schlock. I just got through attending Horrorfest '89 and the possibilities for parody I ran into there were just too numerous to pass up. It all depends on the demand.
BH: Parody (satire) is considered to be one of the greatest forms of flattery. Is this what CS reflects?
RR: Absolutely! I have great respect for both Stephen King and Castle Rock. I wouldn't tease 'em if I didn't love 'em.

With that Ray excused himself. After a hard night's work he and his partner wanted to "flip" into the Territories to take a mental vacation. He did mention that if anyone wanted to write him concerning Castle Schlock (questions, comments or ideas), he'd be happy to respond. His address is ---.

And, back or current issues are available through David Hinchberger at the Overlook Connection.

Barry Hoffman is a frequent contributor to CR. An interview with Chris Spruce will appear somewhere before the year is out. Check out Castle Rock for details.

Castle Rock Sep/Oct 1989 Vol. 5, #9-10, p. 8