"I fell to the ground and wept," he said of his immediate reaction to the discovery, "right thar
amongst the cow-floppies and all."

George Dusset, owner of the nearby Castle Dune market, said there was no doubt in his mind that

Although both Dusset and Spignesi swear that the image is authentic, another local resident claims it is nothing more than "one of them thar Smith brothers" from an old coughdrop ad showing through layers of faded and peeling paint. The resident declined to identify himself, saying mysteriously, "The pile of shit has a thousand eyes."

Imagine waking up Christmas morning with WOLF under your tree or Mrs. Carmody in your stocking! It could very well happen. Mattle Inc. has announced the release of a full line of anatomically correct plastic action figures based on the literary characters of Stephen King.

Reenact your favorite SK scenes or create totally new ones. Be the first on your block to pit Davey "Lardass" Hogan against fat Harold Lauder in the pie-eating contest of your dreams. Kindle the flames of passion between Charlie McGee and Trashcan Man. Control the likes of Cujo, Church, and Carrie.

The possibilites are...well frightening.

Whose Room? Find Out On Page 4.

Castle Schlock                               (c) Ray Rexer 1989

-2-   Castle Schlock, Sept. 21, 1989

Editor's
         Column
                   by Chris T. Fir

Stephen King has joined the ranks of such celebrities as Carole King, B.B. King, Billie Jean King, and Alan King in a series of TV ads promoting Rheingold beer. In the ads, Stephen sips and says, "It may not be the king of beers...but it sure is the beer of Kings! Betcha fer!"

In conjunction with the ads, Rheingold plans to release a series of beer cans emblazoned with the colorful picture of each celebrity.

* * * *

In an upcoming issue of The Maine Times, SK airs his views on the habits of local voters in a nonfiction piece entitled "The Ballad of the Flexible Ballot."

* * * *

Reports that Stephen King will be appearing on LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN in a stupid-pets-trick segment are false. An act billed as "Steve and King" (a Utah man and his dancing dingo) apparently caused the confusion.

* * * *

Stephen King's agent, Kirby McNugget, denies published reports that SK will be appearing in an off-Broadway play with the ghost of Elvis Presley. "Steve's just too damn busy," Mr. McNugget said.

* * * *

SK's long awaited cookbook "Food Processor of the Gods" has just been released and should prove to be a handy guide for all would-be gourmets. Recipes include Steve's famous grilled "Tommy Knockwurst" (a dish you can really sink your teeth into) and Tabitha's tasty "Roadkill Tar-Tar."

General Motors recently introduced a brand-new car for the 1990 model year called the Chevrolet Christine-Classic. GM Spokesman R. Lee Bay said that the Christine-Classic comes with a warranty so good that "you'd swear the car repairs itself."

* * * *

A new bar called THE DEAD ZONE opened for business recently in Boston's infamous Combat-Zone area. The bar features drinks with such lively names as...The Firestarter, Mrs. Todd's Shortcut (go directly to drunk), Redrum Daiquiri, and the very popular Micmac-The-Knife.

* * * *

New on your grocer's shelves - in certain test markets - Stephen King's SCARY-O's. A breakfast cereal for those of you who are NOT AFRAID TO EAT RIGHT!

* * * *

Coming soon to a video store near you... HORRORCISE, Stephen King's new workout video featuring the SK original song "I'm gonna SCARE you fit!"

- CONTINUED ON PAGE 8 -

*******************************

Chris T. Fir ................ Editor/Publisher
Annie Lynn Steffard ... Founding Editor
Tyris Greene ......... Contributing Editor
Susan Eternal ......... Business Manager
Sarah Blue-Spruce ......... Copy Editor

*******************************

Castle Schlock, Sept. 21, 1989   -3-

To the Editor:

I just got back from the Territories. When I flipped over there I was carrying a thermos, a copy of "The Stand" and the latest issue of "Castle Schlock." In the Territories, the thermos turned into a goatskin jug, "The Stand" turned into "The Book of Good Farming" but "Castle Schlock" didn't change a bit. Kinda strange, huh?

Buarts Retep
Dalevill, IN

Pet Sematary Bad

Dear Schlock:

I went to see "Pet Sematary" at the mall yesterday and it was just terrible! First of all, Mandy couldn't go because she had to baby-sit that brat brother of hers and then I had to walk all the way there because my dad wouldn't give me a ride and that's almost half a mile! And then I had to sit right behind Jeffie Wood and he was with that bimbo Kathy and they were kissing and everything! Jeffie and Kathy! I mean, can you believe it? I couldn't! How gross!

I just wish Stephen King would make a decent movie someday!

Laurie Hinchbrrgrr
Woodstock, GA

So Smart

To Castle "Judas" Schlock:

You think you are SO SMART well you are nothing but a "Wart" on "the GREAT TOAD OF THE UNIVERSE." There are ways to deal with SHITS LIKE YOU. You and your house of KAKA Schlock. Your POOPSHIT house of KAKA Schlock. I hate you! I hate you now AND FOREVER!!!

Roberta Solrac
In Transit
Yew-ess-eh

To the Editor:

Q: What would you get if you crossed Ace Merril, Stephen King, Queen Sasha, Jack Sawyer and Bo Derek?

A: A straight! Ace, King, Queen, Jack and a Ten! Hah! A straight! Betcha fer!

Joe Arland Stale
Nachogachodachos, TX

- MORE LETTERS ON PAGE 8 -

ACROSS 3 Sky .... 4 Ben E. .... 6 .... Tut 8 ....ston Trio 9 Below an Ace

DOWN 1 Elvis "The K..." 2 "The .... And I" 4 Billie Jean .... 5 .... neaJ eilliB 6 Above a Queen 7 Dog's name

- ANSWERS ON PAGE 8 -

-4-   Castle Schlock, Sept. 21, 1989

And back by popular demand will be the musical group DANNY and the REDRUMS. D and the R's were the hit of last year's convention with their rousing rendition of "The Redrum Polka" (see photo below).

Scheduled NOT to appear this year are Bambie and Muffin, the two young ladies in room 217 who apparently misread the advertisement announcing HORRORfest.

- DANNY AND THE REDRUMS -

COUNTERFEIT KING
by Doug Sommers

Customs officials and representatives of Viking Penguin Inc. seized and destroyed over 5,000 counterfeit Stephen King books recently. The books were found outside a popular Bangor, Maine restaurant - The Crab Slab - stuffed inside 50-gallon drums labled LOBSTER PARTS.

Restaurant owner Leonard "Itchy" Norman denied accusations that his business was nothing more than a front for bootleg book sales. "You don't know half as much as you think you do," Norman told officials.

The seized books were corrupt copies of SK's popular short story collection "Skeleton Crew." They had been retitled "Skeleton Crude" and contained such stories as "SON

- CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE -

Castle Schlock, Sept. 21, 1989   -5-

of a Beachworld," "Cain Threw-up," "Uncle Otto's Duck," "Here There Pee Tiger," and a nasty little tale all about Mrs. "I'll-feel-ya" Todd that would make even Stephen King blush.

The books are thought to be the work of the CUban Counterfeit King Association (CU.C.K.A.), a radical faction of the International Writer's Guild dedicated to the malicious reconstruction of some of the world's greatest literature. Other titles are believed to be circulating.

STEPHEN KING: 5th BEATLE?
by Colling R. Michaels

"Yellow matter custard...dripping from a dead dog's eyes." Now who but Stephen King could've written that line from THE BEATLES' song "I am the Walrus?" No one sane, that's who. Just Stephen. Owner of Bangor, Maine rock station WZON, quoter of rock lyrics, creator of Larry "Baby Can You Dig Your Man" Underwood. There's growing evidence that Stephen King WAS a Beatle - the 5th Beatle (The Fifth Quarter?). Some experts say he authored a great many of the lyrics credited to Lennon and McCartney; some say it's time to give the Devil his due.

No who could deny "Goo goo g'joob" ("I am the Walrus") or "He got joo-joo eyeball" ("Come Together") as pure Stephen King?

No one sane, that's who.

* * * * * *

Halt! Or I'll ... Type? by Reg Thorpe

Senator Crankyanker said that the legislation is long overdue and blames the delay on difficulties in finding someone to type up the proposal.

KING of the CABBIES
by Joe D. Foster

The New York City Cabdrivers' association recently awarded Stephen King its prestigious JOHNNY SMITH MEMORIAL trophy. NYCCA president Clyde "Wrong-way" Barker said SK was singled out for his honest portrayal of the much maligned American cabdriver in his novels.

"That big guy's done more for cabbies than anyone since Danny DeVito," Barker said, "don't tell me, I'll tell you. And if you don't believe that you can blow it outcha you-know-where 'cause you got shit for brains. Pardon my French if you're a religious man. Plucka-plucka-plucka."

Previous recipients of the award include Robert De Niro and Booger "Hey I'll getcha there" McPhee. The trophy will be presented to SK at a special checkered-tie dinner given in his honor. His acceptance speech is entitled simply, "Yo! Taxi!"

-6-   Castle Schlock, Sept. 21, 1989

Cujo-Vu?
by Paddy McNorman

RABID PET DOG BITES...
DRIVERLESS CAR RUNS OVER...
FLU EPIDEMIC SPREADS...

No, these are NOT excerpts from Stephen King books, these are headlines right out of today's news. Have you ever read a true item in a newspaper or magazine and had the strangest feeling that you've read the same thing before in a Stephen King book? If you have, then you've experienced the bizarre phenomenon known as CUJO-VU.

And who hasn't sneezed while reading "The Stand" or lost weight after finishing "Thinner?" This is a different but somewhat related phenomenon called CARRIETONITIS.

According to an article by Dr. Louis Crude presented in the "New England Journal of Medicine," these maladies are related to the intense intimacy the reader feels for King and his stories. The diseases are thought to be highly contagious and Dr. Crude suggests that anyone experiencing symptoms immediately begin reading a John Updike novel.

He's Making A List
by Tyris Greene

Rarer than "The Plant." More sought after than "The Gunslinger." Mentioned in countless critical works. And available to the general reading public for the first time now! STEPHEN KING'S LAUNDRY LIST! You've said it yourself: Stephen King could write a laundry list and people would buy it. Well, now it's time to put your money where your mouth is and at the same time answer that all important questions: is the King into starch? And if so, how much?

Each list is signed and numbered by Johnny "The Mangler" Rockwell, SK's personal manservant and author of the critically acclaimed books "I Did His Dainties" and "Skidmarks in Cotton: a Tale of the Laundry Game" (available through New Adams Publishing).

Banned in Beulha
by Harry Boffman

Stephen King has been banned in Beulah! The schoolboard in this small Utah town voted unanimously to yank all Stephen King books from school library shelves. Volunteers armed with trashbags stormed the library in what one member called a "righteous mission to search and destroy."

Spokesman Ted Terd said that the action was taken after board members learned that if you read "The Stand" backwards you'll discover an "evil message from Satan." When asked what that message was, Mr. Terd curtly replied, "How the hell should I know? I don't read that crap!"

Castle Schlock, Sept. 21, 1989   -7-

Play MIST-y For Me
by Dave Hinchbrrgrr

A group calling itself the UNDERWOODS has been getting a lot of air play lately with their new song "The Ballad of Johnny Lee." The song (purportedly written by a former member of the KINGston Trio) commemorates that brave band of survivors fighting so valiantly against THE MIST. It's tender, it's touching and it goes something like this...

* * * *

THE BALLAD OF JOHNNY LEE

Well, this is just what happened
on a hot day in July,
when great purple thunderheads
did mass up in the sky.
A man named David Drayton
and the son he called Big Bill,
ran from the foggy mist and
they're running from it still.

It started when he left his wife
and headed to the store.
Big Bill was right behind him;
Brent Norton made one more.
He waved goodbye to Stephanie,
she stood next to the fence.
She smiled as she drove away,
he hasn't seen her since.

CHORUS
Oh, something in the fog...took
Johnny Lee,
it's coming back for you and it's
coming back for me.
It's rolling right up Kansas road,
it's getting hard to see.
Something in the fog...took
Johnny Lee

A market full of people soon
were covered with a veil,
and panic wasn't far behind
the fiend let loose from Hell.
A Scream cut short, a bloody death
for those who chose to run.
Although the storm was over -
THE MIST had just begun.

CHORUS...

Some blame it all on nature
and some blame the Arrowhead,
and some say Mrs. Carmody
was right in what she said.
Some blame it on an angry God
pounding an angry fist.
But no one can deny it's here:
the coming of THE MIST.

A group of seven people
then decided to go out.
And of those seven people,
four made it to the Scout.
So David and Amanda,
Mrs. Reppler and Big Bill,
ran from the evil mist and
they're running from it still.

CHORUS...

Yo! And I do mean Yo!!! Have we got the books for YOU or what! We now stock EVERY book EVER written! All ya gotta do is call. My name's Dave and I am your SUPERMAN for SUPER-Deals on SUPERBOOKS!!! Just call 1-404-926-1762 or watch the new OVERBOOKED CONNECTION shopping channel on your local cable affiliate. BOOKS!!! BOOKS!!! BOOKS!!!

JUST IN: "MY LOVELY DONKEY" a tale of one man and his ass by Stephen King. Order from us and get this lavish book signed by the author and his ass! Hurry!!!

COMING SOON: "TWILIGHT EYES OF THE DRAGON" a new King/Koontz collaboration that is NOT TO BE MISSED!!! Preorder from us NOW!!!

-8-   Castle Schlock, Sept. 21, 1989

Author Katty Kelly has penned an unauthorized biography of Stephen King entitled "Angle Parking in the Twilight Zone."

* * * *

McDonald's restaurants now offer SK Happy Meals. The Happy Meals come with either Misery-McNuggets or a Big Micmacburger and feature windup Stephen King dolls that actually write full length novels while you eat.

* * * *

The unabridged audio recording of the novel "IT" will be read by Stephen King himself. SK believes he can fit the entire novel onto one 60-minute cassette if he "talks real fast."

* * * *

STEPHEN KING - THE MOVIE is now scheduled for summer release. Portraying SK in the film will be Jerry Mathers.

LETTERS
- continued from page 3 -

How Can You?

To the Editor:

How can you be so obtuse?

Peter Stevens
Zihuatanejo, MX

Dear Schlock,

You were right. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Reg. You were right. Everything is fine now. Reg. Thanks a lot. Reg. Fornit is fine. Reg. Thanks.

Reg Thorpe
Omaha, NB

To the Editor:

Don't do it again! I mean it!

Paddy McKiller
Wartwickshire, ENG

ANSWERS TO KING KROSSWORD
- from page 3 -

ACROSS (3) KING (4) KING (6) KING (8) KING (9) KING

DOWN (1) -ING (2) KING (4) KING (5) GNIK (6) KING (7) KING