RAPID PET DOG BITES... DRIVERLESS CAR RUNS OVER... FLU EPIDEMIC SPREADS...

No, these are not excerpts from Stephen King books, these are headlines right out of today's news. Have you ever read a true item in a newspaper or magazine and had the strangest feeling that you've read the same thing before in a Stephen King book? If you have, then you've discovered the strange phenomenon known as CUJO-VU.

And who hasn't sneezed while reading THE STAND or lost weight after finishing THINNER? Sound familiar? Well this is a different but somewhat related phenomenon called CARRIETONITIS. While neither of these maladies is known to be fatal, reading Stephen King books HAS been proven to be habit-forming and potential readers should thus BEWARE!!!

General Motors recently introduced a brand new car for the 1988 model year called the Chevrolet Christine-Classic.

- continued on next column -

GM spokesman R. Lee Bay said that the Christine-Classic comes with a warranty so good that "you'd swear the car repairs itself."

* * * *

A new bar called THE DEAD ZONE opened for business recently in Boston's famous combat-zone area. The bar features drinks with such lively names as . . . The Firestarter, Mrs. Todd's Shortcut (go directly to drunk), Redrum Daiquiri and the very popular Micmac-The-Knife.

* * * *

"No comment," responds Stephen King's agent Kirby McNugget when asked about published reports claiming SK is about to take over the troubled PTL ministry. He did say, however, that Stephen may guest-host Dr. Ruth's GOOD SEX show on cable.

Letters     

Dear Schlock:

Q: What would you have if you crossed Ace Meril, Stephen King, Queen Sasha, Jack Sawyer and Bo Derek?

A: A straight! Ace, King, Queen, Jack and a Ten! Hah! A straight! Betcha fer!

Johnny Rockwell, Fair Weather, Ohio

(more letters on page two)

Baseball. The National Pastime. The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd. A game followed by millions. A game of well-known stars. But imagine if you will an all-star game of a different sort. A game pitting GOOD against EVIL. A game where Potter's Field is its playground and eternity the length of the game. A game played just this side of THE DEAD ZONE.

The DERRY STIFFSOCKS
vs.
THE CASTLE ROCK CRAB-CATCHERS

The CRAB-CATCHERS

1. ACE MERRIL, centerfield. Who's gonna keep Ace off the team? Nobody sane, that's who.

2. KURT BARLOW, 2nd base. Watch out for him during those night games.

3. JOHN RAINBIRD, catcher. A man with that killer instinct so important in a true competitor.

4. BELCH HUGGINS, rightfield. He can knock the cover right off your balls.

5. BUDDY REPPERTON, leftfield. He proved he could handle a bat in CHRISTINE.

6. FRANK DODD, 3rd base. This man's one SLICK ballplayer.

7. ROBERT "PENNYWISE" GRAY, shortstop. Watch him FLOAT down that baseline.

8. DONALD "TRASHCAN MAN" ELBERT, 1st base. What a burning desire to play this man has!

9. SPIKE MILLIGAN, pitcher. A day when he could deliver a slider was a happy day for Spike.

Dr. RICHARD PINE, team physican. a true SURVIVOR TYPE.
• RANDALL FLAGG, manager of the Crab-Catchers. A man who gives new meaning to the phrase "KILL THE UMP."

-Schlock 3-

Introducing:

The STIFFSOCKS

1. JOHNNY SMITH, 2nd base. He can second guess the best pitchers in baseball.

2. NICK ANDROS, 1st base. A man who lets his bat do the talking for him.

3. DEKE, rightfield. A natural athlete: he can run, he can swim, he can fit through a crack in THE RAFT.

4. WOLF, leftfield. Can he play ball? Wolf! Right here and now he can! You God-pounding right!

5. OPHELIA TODD, shortstop. That woman's mad - for a shortstop.

6. TRAVELLIN JACK SAWYER, centerfield. He can really cover the TERRITORY!

7. STU REDMAN, catcher. This man will catch anything - except the flu!

8. ANDY McGEE, 3rd base. Always ready to give that extra PUSH when needed.

9. STUTTERING BILL DENBROUGH, pitcher. Can he throw? Just ask Victor Criss!

• Dr. Louis Creed, team physican. Able to bring new life to a dying team.

• CHARLIE McGEE, manager of the Stiffsoxs. She can really FIRE-UP a team!

Head grounds-keeper for today's game is of course THE LAWNMOWER MAN.

Singing the National Anthem as only he can: LARRY "Baby Can You Dig Your Man" UNDERWOOD.

And handling the play-by-play, that man of a thousand voices: RICHIE "TRASHMOUTH" TOZIER.

Now let's play ball!!!

To the Editor:

I just got back from the Territories. When I flipped over there I was carrying a thermos, a copy of THE STAND and the latest issue of CASTLE SCHLOCK. In the Territories the thermos turned into a goatskin, THE STAND turned into THE BOOK of GOOD FARMING but CASTLE SCHLOCK didn't change at bit.

Kinda strange, huh?

Buarts Retep, Daleville, Ind.

A group calling itself the UNDERWOODS has been getting a lot of air play lately with their new song THE BALLAD OF JOHNNY LEE. The song (purportedly written by a member of the KINGston trio) commemorates that brave band of people

Well, this is just what happened
one hot New England July,
when great purple thunderheads
did mass up in the sky.

A man named David Drayton
and the son he called Big Bill,
ran from the foggy mist and
they're running from it still.

It started when he left his wife
and headed to the store,
Big Bill was right behind him,
Brent Norton made one more.

He waved goodbye to Stephanie,
she stood right by the fence.
She smiled as she drove away,
he hasn't seen her since.

CHORUS
Oh, something in the fog took Johnny Lee,
it's coming back for you and
it's coming back for me.
It's rolling right up Kansas road,
it's getting hard to see.
Something in the fog - took Johnny Lee.

A market full of people soon
were covered with a veil,
and panic wasn't far behind
the fiend let loose from Hell.

A scream cut short, a bloody death
for those who chose to run.
Although the storm was over,
THE MIST had just begun.

They tried an expedition
to the Bridgton pharmacy,
with shouts of expiation
from old lady Carmody.

Then Norton took his group outside
to see what they could see.
That put a grisly end to the
Flat Earth Society.

-Schlock 3-

fighting so valiantly against . . . THE MIST. Kind permission has been granted to reprint here the lyrics to this touching song. So sit right back, close your eyes and sing along if you must.

Some blame it all on nature
and some blame the Arrowhead,
and some say Mrs. Carmody
was right in what she said.

Some blame it on an angry God
pounding an angry fist,
but no one can deny it's here:
the coming of THE MIST.

A group of seven people
then decided to go out,
And of those seven people,
four made it to the Scout.

So David and Amanda,
Mrs. Reppler and Big Bill,
ran from the foggy mist and
they're running from it still.

CHORUS
Oh, something in the fog took Johnny Lee,
it's coming back for you and
it's coming back for me.
It's rolling right up Kansas road,
it's getting hard to see.
Something in the fog - took Johnny Lee.

THE END

Annie Lynn Steffard ................. Editor-Pub.
Chris Pruce ...................... Managing Editor
Tyris Greene ................. Contributing Editor
Susan Eternal ................. Business Manager
Harry S. Pruce ........... Circulation Manager
N. Tigers - N. Bears ................ Typesetting